You may ask, “What way is that?” I am just going to share some of the stuff that Kathy and I did when the kids were growing up. I would not suggest that any of this would be part of a parent training manual, it just talks about some things that we did. I believe, at the end of the day, that the proof is in the pudding. Our children turned out incredible. A big part of that result was because of their mom. Kathy was a special mom in many ways.
Here are a few things that we did. This largely came as a result of many conversations between me and Kathy. A decision needed to be made regarding what we corrected the kids for. I was terrible and was constantly correcting almost everything that they did. Clearly, that wasn’t sustainable and it also was over the top in terms of expectations for the kids. We decided…I say we…it was really a strong recommendation from Kathy that we decide what we would correct and let the other stuff slide. It came down to things that might be harmful or dangerous for them. So if they were going to run out into the street that clearly was something to correct. For lesser or less dangerous transgressions we would tend to look the other way. At the end of the day, the kids were happier and frankly, I was as well.
In our house, if one of the kids wanted to participate in something, like soccer, baseball, dance, an instrument, you name it…our only rule was that if they were going to do that we would support them and they had to stick with it at least for one season, or for a reasonable amount of time. We didn’t want them to quit if whatever they decided to do wasn’t as much fun as they thought it would be. Hanging in there was something that we preached and that was that. No quitters.
We also had a policy as the kids got older that if they went out and for any reason needed us to pick them up and bring them home that there would be no consequences, no anger, no arguments or judgments. We believed that it was of utmost importance that they got home safe and sound. If they had been in an accident if they had too much to drink (I don’t remember that happening), if there was anything that might not be cool, all they had to do was call us and we were there for them. The kids didn’t take us up on this too many times, but when they did we acted as we had promised. Goes to trust, trust is a hard thing to build and can be lost. Being trustworthy to Kathy and I was very important.
One other thing that seems simple but it is very hard to do. When you say you will do something…like pick them up from soccer practice, or some other after-school activity. When you pick them up from school or really anything…be on time…make sure that they know that your promise means something. Don’t put a priority on something else over meeting that commitment. It may not seem that important to you at the time, but trust me on this…there is really nothing more important than keeping your promises to your children.
The last thing I want to talk about is when parents say that their child or children will only be at home for two more months or suggest that you as a parent cannot wait for them to leave home. Even if you feel that way I am going to suggest that you never say it where your child or children can hear it. I know that many parents say this and most of the time it is not mean-spirited, but think about how that child feels, knowing that you are counting the days until they will leave home. I don’t know how you come back from saying that and having them hear it. I think many times it is said almost like a joke, but I don’t know if the child believes that it is a joke or if that is how you really feel. My strong recommendation is to not say it ever within earshot of your child or children.
In our case each time one of our children left home for college it was traumatic. It was never easy. I remember the first one was Robert and he went to UC Santa Barbara. He was 18 at the time and Santa Barbara was about 11 hours away. We moved him into this huge dorm called Francisco Torres on the campus. Leaving that day was one of the hardest days for me and for Kathy. I don’t know if we ever really got over it. And all the good intentions of him coming home on weekends and us going down to Santa Barbara to see him simply didn’t happen as we had hoped. For all intents and purposes, that day would be the end of Robert being with us. It was so devastating and also unthinkable to even consider the fact that we ever wanted him to leave. It was inevitable but if we had had a real choice we would have opted for him not to leave. The other three all went to Chico State which was much closer to home. Only about an hour and a half away and it was possible to visit them and have them come home as well. Still very hard to have that day come when they move out of the house, but knowing that they were still not too far away gave Kathy and I some comfort. I can honestly say that neither Kathy or I ever said that we couldn’t wait for any of them to leave home. It just wasn’t in our DNA to feel that way. We were heartbroken and it was hard to live through.
Life goes on. We were empty nesters for many years. I know Kathy felt her highest calling was to be a mom. She never waivered from that commitment. I loved being there with her and the children as they grew up. I learned a great deal about parenting from my wife. She seemed to have this innate sense of what needed to be done. We treasured the time we had with all of them. It goes by so quickly and then suddenly they are gone and young adults and you hope that they have all the tools to survive and thrive.
I want to share one more thing. In my opinion, it is the easiest job in the world to be a bad parent and the hardest job in the world to be a good one. When I say easy I mean…no follow through, no trust, your words mean nothing, your promises mean nothing, and so on. Easy peasy. Then there is the hard part…keeping promises, making rules and enforcing them even when you are tired and don’t want to deal with the issues, and saying no when all the other parents are saying yes. Not so easy, but so necessary and you will find that going the extra mile with your children will pay lifelong dividends for them and for you. We always wanted our children to like each other. I see them today and believe that they actually do like each other. Not only do they like each other they also care about each other and that is so important.
Accept the challenge of parenting. Know that it isn’t going to be easy. But also know that it is probably the most important job you will ever have and I promise…the most rewarding as well.
