Feeling Sorry For Myself

Look, this is the main reason I started this Blog in the first place.  Writing was supposed to be therapeutic and help me deal with the loss of Kathy.  For the most part it has been working, but today I am having a particularly hard time.  I have been listening to Dave Koz… Greatest Hits and I am wondering why they don’t include razor blades in the CD box.  Never mind… I can buy my own.  It is so hard to face each day without that person who loved you more than anything on earth.  She put me on a pedestal and I had to be careful when I let her know that I wanted anything because she would start searching for whatever it was and get it for me.  Do you know how hard it is to lose someone who thinks the sun rises and sets on you, never judges you, lets you know every single day how important you are and how much she loves you… every single day.  I never felt I was worthy enough or that I had earned the level of love she gave me.  It was a gut punch to lose her, and to lose her the way I did when I couldn’t even go see her in the hospital while she was still able to see me and recognize me.  I only saw her after she slipped into a coma… and I wonder if she even knew I was there.  For the first time since she passed-away, I am feeling a little anger.  Anger about losing her, anger about COVID and not being able to be with her in the hospital, sad for myself, sad for our children and grandchildren.  This is the worst day I have had in weeks but thank god for the blog and that I can vent to you all.  I will get past this (episode)… I am not going to invest in any razor blades, but I am still going to feel sorry for myself, and wish with all my heart that she was here.